All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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