1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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