He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
is it fun? or sober?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
