I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
