If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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