I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
