every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize