Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
