your thong is hanging out like whoa
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
True strength comes from lack of pants
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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