i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
