Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
