I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
