if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
