non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
