I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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