I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
