you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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