i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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