so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
