...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
