At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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