i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
