I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
