i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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