Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
