I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
