thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize