We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
