I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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