she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So squirting runs in the family.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize