I'm gonna have a badass scar
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
