There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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