My hand turned me down
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
