omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
