How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
