Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
