I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
