They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
