70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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