I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
