i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
