So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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