I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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