I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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