Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
