i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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