This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
