If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
