Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
