can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
