so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You're like the curious george of whores
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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