Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
