I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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