you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
