i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
