I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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