Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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