U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
